While this quarantine has been in place, I’ve been dreaming about the end of the world we know. I’ve contemplated the things in life I still want to achieve but let’s face it. Hard work is boring and really doesn’t make for good entertainment, not like sex.
So my dear readers, here’s my checklist of copulation, a list I like to call The Armageddon Bone…
Number 7 – Lucian Graves (The Satanic Temple)
He makes the fuck list because of one thing… his mind. He wins debates flawlessly. He’s Harvard level. Lucian is the high priest of The Satanic Temple in Massachusetts. Before the quarantine, I loved watching him travel across the United States with a huge statue of a Baphomet. You know what the perfect date with him is? Not fucking him. A man like that doesn’t have to stick his dick in you, sex can be mental. He’s one who can stimulate your mind, make you a believer.
Number 6 – Brian Huntington (Whites Tavern)
I miss his face. He’s a nice memory. A bartender at (Whites Tavern, Naperville IL) I loved seeing him back when I was making a half million trips to the Chicagoland area. He doesn’t know, but I counted the day to the Grim Reaper show at Reggies as a date. You know why? I wanted to know what it was like to even have that experience with him. He likes to wander.
So, I think the perfect date with him would be 4-Wheeling. How did he make my Armageddon fuck list? He’s hot!!! I can come up with other reasons but during this quarantine, I look back on our times together as fun.
If he were still single, I would take this date in 3 easy steps: 1. Get settled (Have a bite and a few drinks). 2. Put on a Horror Fest to keep our asses planted. 3. Toss him a Kama Sutra book so he can see pictures, so I can turn over and go to sleep after the long ass ride there.
Number 5 – Steve Unger (Metal Church – Bass)
Steve’s the bassist of Metal Church. I remember the day I found out I was going to talk to him on the phone, I was ecstatic. Never in a million years did I think that was going to happen. Metal Church are metal gods.
I enjoy following him on Facebook. There are so many things about him that are interesting. When he told me about his Alive 85 project, I was happy to hear about the Elvis shows. My mother grew up on Elvis so he would have the advantage of her approval.
I would surrender and go with the flow. So, if I were to describe a date, I honestly think there would be adventure. I don’t know, maybe a road trip. Just take a couple of days’ drive down Rt 66. I would totally blog every minute of it!
Number 4 – Seamus Gleason (Kill Ritual – Drums)
He’s been an awesome person to talk to. I have to admit the conversations we have would make God and the Devil blush. The current topic is the last supper. On our imagined perfect date, Seamus has me bent over a table in front of the Apostles! Well at least it’s “Last Supper Apocalypse” themed. If you’re going to be in lockdown, you might as well go for broke, I loved the idea. It’s conversations like these that make me want to be bad.
Number 3 – Alexi Laiho (Children Of Bodom – Guitar, Vocals)
I’ve been listening to Children Of Bodom for over 10 years. The song was “In Your Face” but all I remember from the video was this stud from Finland. I was spellbound. I actually picked up a guitar and tried to learn the first couple of seconds of the song.
What would be a perfect date? I would want him to teach me his native language. I would want to see pictures of places in his neighborhood where he’s from. Yes, I’m going to use that move to get close enough to smell him. My mind is searching for an avenue to kiss him. In my head I’m counting the seconds. He would probably look back at me and see a blank stare. You know why? Because in that moment I probably forgot to breathe. It’s been known to happen. I honestly think once I got past my nerves, we would probably go bowling or shoot pool. After an icebreaker like that, I need a beer!
I would totally let him lead the whole date because he’s the Wild Child!
Number 2 – Matt Zane (Society 1 – Vocals)
He makes number two because during this apocalyptic global shutdown I kind of explored telling him how great he is. He really is. My first interview with him was a shocking experience, I was starstruck and I found him breathtaking. The reaction that rolled through my head was instantly magnetizing. I liked him. Of course, someone is always giving him hell but that doesn’t matter to Matt. I don’t care what people say about him negatively because all I see is a real mother fucker that doesn’t give up or give in. He’s unstoppable.
What would be a perfect date… well with busy schedules, we’d be lucky to get a half hour because we are both be too busy exercising. Honestly, I have no idea what it would be like. He’s extreme and I’m just this humble metal writer living in some small town. He must stay in his top-notch shape and I’m training for a half-marathon. By the time both of us are done, there’d be just enough time for us to pass by one another and say “Hey!” before dropping into a coma from exhaustion. If that isn’t enough, he has to somehow squeeze in PR, recording and marketing! Not to mention SLEEP! I can only admire him, though sometimes I wonder what it would really be like in a quarantine with Matt and all the time in the world.
Number 1 – Peter Steele (Type O Negative – Vocals, Bass)
Peter Steele was Type O Negative. He passed away 10 years ago so I never got the chance to meet him, but he’s always been an inspiration to me. He tops my list.
Peter is that great friend you want to fuck. We all have a cute friend we’d like to get buck wild with.
I can just imagine a date with him. The Brooklyn native would meet me at a park, something not so loud or crazy. A place where we can hear each other say hello. We wouldn’t even go anywhere for a hot minute. I’m only 5’9” so I would be receiving a warm hug from a wall of chest. I would probably lose an eye from a pierced nipple, that would be my luck. We would both be on a rebound recovery. My ass would be laughing. What are the odds…
After the first nipple moment… I think we’d take in a movie. I wouldn’t even care what’s on the screen. I’m in a movie theater with Peter Steele and I’m totally going to kiss him. Hand in hand blushing, we make a mad dash to his car. He gives me a sideways glance and asks, “What do you really want to do?” In my mind he’s a straightforward guy like that. I’m thinking “I’d like to be on your dick before you can snap your fingers.” But after all the excitement, I tell him mentally to take me to his place. He looks into my eyes and gets it with a single nod. In words I tell him “I want to wake up with cuddles.”
A lot of foreplay happens for sure. We would have to do a lot of warming up because, well… I’ve seen the Playgirl pics and my vagina would be wrecked on so many levels. So, thinking of all this, I better wear my stilettos. I would like to be closer to his face for kisses!